Through the Screen

Chapter 105

cold fingertips glide over the bridge of noah's nose as he attempts to push his glasses further up, his

eyes absentmindedly watching the man responsible for his constantly aching chest and his constantly

choking throat and his constantly breaking heart.

abel sits motionlessly across from him, his half open eyes trained on his fiddling fingers like they have

been since morning, his tangled hair plastered to his forehead and his cheeks blotchy with several

shades of pink that fade into purple bags under his heavy eyelids. a grey jumper hangs loosely from his

shoulders, cloaking his frame completely along with a black scarf that wraps around his neck—noah

assumes it's because he wants to hide the mistakes of the previous night. he hasn't looked at noah

since yesterday, when noah was sobbing pathetically and lying to himself as he said he wanted a

break.

he didn't want a break, what he needed was for the war between righteousness and irrationality to stop

so he could finally give into his toxic relationship and torture his weak heart again. he wanted all this

pain, all this hurt, all these mistakes to stop hovering his brain, to stop altering his feelings, to stop

making him feel as if he could live without abel. the idea of being without abel is revolting, he hasn't

imagined life, he hasn't imagined laughing or crying or feeling or breathing without abel by his side and

he likes the familiarity too much to even give it a thought.

noah doesn't know why the storm of emotions hasn't died down yet, being away from abel, being away

from the constant reminder of his betrayal should have weaved a certain comfort through his breathing,

should have collected his scattered thoughts, should have cured his ailing heart by at least an inch but

it was only breaking apart further, only making the ache in his chest more prominent, only torturing him

all over again.

it's unhealthy, it's wrong, it's completely and utterly ridiculous—but noah can't accept the fact that abel

has finally listened to him and stopped trying. he can't bear the fact that abel might actually consider

giving him space rather than trying to make noah forgive him, that he might actually leave if noah asks

him to. it's not even been a week and he is so tired, so tired of fighting his feelings, so tired of telling

himself that he doesn't love abel, so tired of pretending to be someone who can choose between right

and wrong and mind and heart and body and soul.

he can't, he knows he can't because every part of him, every fibre of his being and all his thoughts and

love and heart and body—it all belongs to abel. he belongs to abel.

he knows he will forgive abel, after a day or two or four—he will forgive abel for all the heartbreak, for

all the tears and arguments and the emotional and mental breakdown. he will forgive him for breaking

his trust and his sanity and build them up again from scratch because he is so hopelessly in love with

him that all this betrayal hurts less than letting him go, hurts less than the thought of not being with him.

he knows they will not be the same—tongues will be too bitter, eyes too guarded, minds too distracted,

lungs too damaged and hearts too caged to love again because neither of them would be healed

enough to escape the agony that comes along with heartbreaks. and yet noah will have it all over

again, he will let himself be completely ruined by the man sitting across from him if that's what takes to

be loved by him.

every day, every minute, every torturously slow second he is reminded of just how dysfunctional they

are, how neither of them can be good for each other. of course they love each other, there is an

unmistakable similarity of thought and an unmistakable difference in personality, there are so many

things they have discovered about each other and so many more left, there are so many things they

have done together and there are so many yet to do, there is so much love between them but so much

more toxicity, so many arguments and tears and mistakes and fights and broken hearts and collapsing

minds and failing relationships and distrust and distance.

them together is such a destructive cycle but so undeniably beautiful, something so addictive and

obsessive that neither of them can make a move to just get out of it for the better.

"time for some presents!" he visibly snaps out of his thoughts, his eyes leaving the coffee table that

they were unintentionally fixed upon and moving around the room, from his mother clapping excitedly

to adrian who has a fond smile on his face to abel, who still refuses to look at him.

he had planned presents earlier this week, the week where abel was on that bewitched business trip.

he'd got adrian a gift card, gaming discs, an unhealthy amount of sweets and some socks and for abel

he had already bought a lot of things but for the sake of the situation he decided to go with something

that was the most impersonal—not that he wanted to exchange gifts with him but just because his

mother would act suspicious if they didn't. he was planning to buy a gift for his mother later when he

went to visit her but thankfully in the things he bought abel, there was a selection of scented candles

that would be appropriate for gifting.

ten minutes later he was sitting with four gifts in his lap, two from his mother, one from adrian and one

from the heartbreaker sitting silently with a half hearted smile on his face. he waited for everyone else

to open their presents first, only because he did not have enough energy to react to his own.

he watched as his mother dramatically shed tears when she saw adrian's failed attempt of knitting

something back to her, it was just a half done hat, the yarns all overlapping each other but the old

woman claimed this was the most thoughtful present she could have gotten. abel got her a purse and

she said she was thankful because she needed a new one and for noah she just said it was something

that she already expected.

adrian was next, his excited smile and wide eyes made him look younger than he was and there was a

conjoined laughter from everyone once adrian screamed at the selection of games noah had gotten

him. noah's mother had always been a spoiler, books and cards and games and cookies—adrian could

not stop himself from pouncing on the old woman for a hug. abel had gotten him a new football jersey,

some shoes and fairy lights that he could put in his bedroom, and adrian seemed pretty excited about

the idea of making his room slightly more aesthetic than it currently was.

"your turn abel!" noah diverted his attention to him, watching as the smallest of smiles appeared on his

chapped lips as he reached for katherine's present first. it was a watch and abel doesn't accessorise,

and noah knowing the fact easily read his uncomfortable smile. he watched as abel thanked her, he

could see how hard abel was trying to appear happy but was failing. adrian had got him a selection of

different flavours of tea, knowing abel had currently found his obsession with the drink and for a Text property © Nôvel(D)ra/ma.Org.

moment noah could see his eyes light up, his smile becoming a little more genuine. he revealed more

presents from adrian, including a beanie, a hand-made card and some socks and abel hugged the child

tightly, pressing a kiss against his forehead.

noah's heart skipped a few beats once abel ran his fingers over noah's present, his lips pursing and his

breathing becoming more controlled.

"what? open it!" adrian encouraged, and abel shook his head, running his fingers through his hair and

pushing the mass of hair away from his forehead.

"you can open it," abel pushed the present towards adrian, and the ache in noah's chest magnified just

a little.

"no, it has your name on it, just open it," adrian pushed, a small scowl on his face and abel was glad for

mrs. lester, who bugged in and placed a hand on adrian's shoulder.

"it's okay sweetie, maybe he wants to open it alone," she smiled at him. "how about you open yours

now noah?"

noah was dreading it. was he supposed to deny opening abel 's presents just like abel had done to

him? or was he supposed to pretend that this was just another christmas where they were exchanging

gifts and he could kiss abel a merry christmas? he avoided thinking about it as he grabbed the first

present he could, reading adrian's sloppy handwriting on the tag saying 'from your real son' and inside,

noah could feel the blush rising on his cheeks as he found an identical mug to the one he already

owned along with some socks and a perfume.

"what's this?" noah sounded just as horrified as he was feeling, and adrian laughed loudly in response,

covering his mouth to muffle the sound.

"hey! i thought you had another son who gave you that mug, so i got you one because everyone knows

i am the real one and that impostor can go to hell," adrian seemed proud of his gift, and noah just

laughed, momentarily shifting his gaze to abel whose cheeks were flushed a deep pink.

"thanks," noah blew him a kiss and adrian smiled at him, watching as noah reached for the ones given

by his mum. he thanked her enthusiastically when he saw that his mum had just got him five boxes of

his favourite cereal and a gift card for starbucks, trying to elongate the moment so he doesn't have to

open abel 's present.

"come on dad, you have to open it! you can't do what papa did," adrian whined, already studying the

hesitant expression on noah's face and knowing what was coming.

"adrian it's alright, they're a couple! do you want to see something risky in there?"

"ew! nan!"

"what? i'm just saying!" mrs. lester laughed, silently accepting the 'thank you' noah mouthed.

"now come on, don't be a brat and come help me in dinner," she got up from her place on the floor and

hugged both the men, pressing a kiss to their foreheads and muttering something along the lines of 'it'll

be okay'. when she left the room with adrian, the silence begged for confrontation again, travelling

thickly through the tense air between the two lovers and they both wondered silently if this is ever going

to work out.